Elegant Tea Party
by Red Witch
Summary: In an attempt to break into high society, Mallory drags Archer and Cheryl to a tea party. Predictably, all does not go according to plan.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is off having tea. Just some madness that had to get out of my tiny little mind.**

 **Elegant Tea Party **

"All right all of you," Mallory spoke to most of the members of the Figgis Agency in the bullpen. "I need to tell you something while Sterling is out of the agency. Getting that ridiculous car of his fixed so we have time."

"Is this for an intervention of some sort that's long overdue?" Krieger spoke up. "I ask even though I know the answer is no."

"And you're right on that," Mallory groaned. "But no, this is about our prospects. Or lack thereof."

"But Archer says that any day now people will hear about him working at this agency and we'll get tons of clients," Cheryl spoke up.

"That's because Sterling's mind is still mired in the Land of Make Believe," Mallory grumbled. "But for those of us who live in **the real world** know, the situation isn't as rosy as he thinks."

"Our reputation wasn't that great even **before** the whole CIA debacle with that Fantastic Voyage rip off," Lana groaned.

"They're still talking about us on those secret online inter-agency chat rooms they think no one else knows about," Pam agreed. "Boy the State Department really won't let that Albanian Ambassador thing go."

"Don't get me **started** on those uptight society bitches back in New York," Mallory groaned. "For over thirty-five years I've had to kiss their bleached bloated asses and for what? Just because a few parties went a little wrong they won't give me the time of day!"

"A **little** wrong?" Ray did a double take.

"I take it you're referring to the dead hookers," Lana counted. "Those other people that died, the fires, the explosions…"

"The insults you've dished out and the complete and total disaster that was your open marriage experiment," Cheryl added. "The stolen artwork…"

"The wives and daughters Archer slept with…" Lana added.

"The places Archer and the rest of us were banned from in New York…" Ray added.

"I GET IT!" Mallory shouted. She composed herself. "So I've been trying to ingratiate myself into high society…such as it is in Los Angeles."

"But your reputation has traveled with you," Cheryl smirked. "And most people won't give you the time of day let alone a break."

"That is pretty much it in a nutshell," Mallory groaned. "Whatever your name is this week. However, I have found a bright spot in this darkness."

"You're going to commit suicide?" Cheryl asked cheerfully.

"You wish!" Mallory snarled. She composed herself. "Remember Mrs. Evans?"

"Your former finishing school teacher whose cat you stole then lost until Ray found it and you sold it back to her for a pile of money?" Pam spoke up.

"A simple yes would have sufficed," Mallory gave her a withering look.

"So that scam actually worked?" Cyril asked.

"Yes, it worked!" Mallory snapped. "Unfortunately the payoff wasn't as large as I thought it would be. But it was enough to pay for this week's alcohol for the agency…"

"I wondered who put up that water cooler full of vodka," Pam remarked.

"I figured it was easier than opening all those bottles," Mallory admitted. "Well it turns out that she's invited to a garden party this afternoon. However, she can't make it but I get to go in her place. And I can take two guests. Sterling is obviously one…"

"Is that why he's not at this meeting?" Pam spoke up. "So you can lie about going somewhere else?"

"Technically it's not a lie when I tell him I'm going to a party where there is a lot of alcohol," Mallory said. "Anyway I need another one of you to come with me and help me make contacts for the agency."

"Why can't Ms. Evans come?" Pam began. "On my..."

"PAM!" Mallory shouted. "Not in the mood."

"Seriously honey," Lana looked at Pam. "Give it a rest. So why can't Ms. Evans make it?"

"She's either sick or dying or one of those things," Mallory waved. "It doesn't matter. What matters is Sterling and I are going and we need a third person."

"I don't know Mallory," Lana said. "I'm not so sure that I can make it."

"That's fine Lana. Because it might not be a good idea if **you** attended this gathering," Mallory coughed. "Or that anyone mention that Sterling is dating you in any way."

"Why would…?" Lana did a double take. "Oh God they're racists aren't they?"

"Lana some of these people were alive during the damn Civil War!" Mallory barked. "Is it my fault they chose the wrong side?"

"Unbelievable," Lana groaned.

"That's why I'm bringing Carol…Or Cheryl or whatever her name is this week," Mallory waved.

"YAYYY!" Cheryl giggled. "I'm going somewhere none of you are invited!"

"I'll try to contain my jealousy," Ray rolled his eyes. "Ms. Archer are you sure bringing **Cheryl** to a party is a good idea?"

"Well she is a Tunt after all," Mallory reasoned. "People there would know her name."

"That's kind of my point," Ray gave her a look.

"What do you mean by that?" Mallory snapped.

"Nothing," Ray chuckled and shook his head. "Enjoy the party."

"I will!" Mallory snapped. "Since it's an afternoon away from **most** of you!"

"You're still bringing Archer," Lana gave her a look. "And Cheryl…"

"He, he, he…" Cheryl giggled madly.

"The human equivalent of Bubblehead," Pam added.

"Maybe this afternoon won't be so enjoyable?" Mallory groaned.

Later that afternoon…At a very fancy garden. Filled with tables laden with sweets, finger sandwiches and lacy doilies. Servants and orderlies milling in the background, tending to the needs of the guests.

Well, maybe not all the guests' needs.

"I am **not** going to enjoy myself!" Archer spoke to his mother in an angry tone. "You promised there'd be alcohol here!"

"I could have sworn there would be," Mallory hissed back. "I mean what do these elderly stuffed shirts do all day?"

"Besides practicing decomposing?" Cheryl quipped. She was wearing a nice pink dress.

"Just behave yourselves!" Mallory hissed. "And for god's sake Sterling keep it in your pants for once!"

"Considering besides Carol, the youngest person here personally dated Calvin Coolidge I think I can manage it!" Archer snapped.

"Can you just manage to behave yourself for once?" Mallory snapped. "I will not be embarrassed by your behavior!"

"HEY OLD PEOPLE!" Cheryl shouted out. "ARE YOU GOING TO DIE SOON! BECAUSE IF YOU COULD HURRY UP AND KICK THE BUCKET BEFORE TWO IT WOULD REALLY BE HELPFUL!"

"What about Carol's?" Archer quipped.

"CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" Cheryl shouted. "GOD HOW DEAF ARE YOU OLD FARTS?"

SPLASH!

"AAAHHHHH!"

"CAROL!" Mallory shouted. "STOP THROWING TEA ON THE GUESTS!"

"Who brought this woman in here?" A butler snapped.

"They did!" Cheryl pointed to Mallory and Archer.

"Yeah this is really going to ingratiate you with the upper crust," Archer quipped.

"Shut up!" Mallory snapped at her son.

"Who **are** you people?" The butler glared at them.

"Well I'm Cheryl Tunt and that mean old witch bag over there is Ms. Archer," Cheryl said. "And that's her son Archer who can be an asshole and…"

"TUNT!" An old man in a wheelchair gasped. "A TUNT IS HERE!"

"Yeah, right over here!" Cheryl waved. "Hello!"

"Cornelius Tunt ruined my family and the honor of my sister!" The old man gasped.

"The Tunts stole my father's land!" An elderly woman screamed.

"They stole my mother's jewels!" Another elderly woman screamed.

"A Tunt stole my mother's land and kicked my father **in** the jewels!" Another elderly man shouted.

"The Tunts ruined my son's life and drove him to commit suicide!" Another elderly woman in a yellow shawl yelled.

"Didn't your son **marry** a Tunt?" Another elderly woman shouted.

"EXACTLY!" The yellow shawl woman screamed. "It was the only way out of the marriage!"

"The Tunts built a dam and stole all the water out of the valley I grew up in!" An old man shouted. "We had to move to survive when the valley turned into a dustbowl!"

"Who dares bring a Tunt in our midst?" Another elderly man yelled.

"A Tunt is responsible for burning down my family home!" An old woman in a wheelchair screamed. "My grandmother died in that fire!"

"Oh," Mallory blinked. " **That's** what Gillette meant by…Okay. I see the flaw in this plan now."

"I want vengeance!" The old woman in a wheelchair stood up and waved her cane. "VENGENCE FOR MY GRAND MAMA!"

"Yeah what are you gonna do about it?" Cheryl mocked. "Attack us in a mob?"

"VENGENCE!" Several old people stumbled towards them waving canes and screaming for blood. "DEATH TO ALL TUNTS!"

"It's like a zombie movie!" Archer gasped.

"All right!" Cheryl laughed. "This is awesome!"

"AAKKK!" An elderly man clutched his chest. "My heart!" He fell down.

"AAAHHH!" The elderly man behind him fell over him. "My heart!"

"Sir, please!" An orderly tried to stop an orderly only to get whacked with a cane. "AAAHH!"

"DIE TUNTS!" The elderly man with the cane screamed. "AAAH! MY HEART!"

"Tried to warn you…" The orderly lay on the ground. "Ow…"

"So **that's** what happens when hearts that only beat a couple times a year speed up?" Archer gulped. "Okay time for us to go!"

"But this party is just getting started!" Cheryl laughed as more elderly got into fights with orderlies and keeled over.

"COME ON!" Archer grabbed her arm.

"WHOA!" Cheryl called out.

"Maybe I should have brought Lana here?" Mallory groaned as they ran off.

Later that evening…

"I guess some of you can figure out why I called this meeting so late," Mallory groaned to the others in the bullpen.

"Is it to say that none of you were ever at a tea party or nowhere **near** a tea party this afternoon?" Cyril asked.

"You've heard about that **already**?" Mallory was stunned.

"When a herd of elderly rich people drop dead in the same place at the same time that isn't Palm Springs it tends to make the evening news," Cyril remarked.

"You can explain why the news is already calling it Death Comes To a Tea Party," Lana folded her arms.

"I take it the afternoon didn't go as planned," Ray said in a deadpanned tone.

"Let's just say we had to get out of there before the police and the ambulances showed up," Mallory groaned as she took a drink.

"Have you ever seen an elderly riot?" Archer asked in a dazed voice. "It's not pretty. For so many reasons."

"Apparently the Tunt family has made a lot of enemies out west," Mallory groaned. "And they were not happy that a Tunt was among them."

"Understatement of the year," Archer groaned. "Apparently the excitement was too much for a lot of them…It was weird. At first they were trying to rush us and then half of them were clutching their chests and falling to the ground. Then the people in back of them tripped over and then they started clutching their chests and…It just went downhill from there."

"There were fifteen heart attacks in all and twelve fatalities!" Cheryl said cheerfully. "That was an awesome tea party! When can we do it again?"

"About the fourth of NO WAY IN HELL?" Mallory shouted at her.

"Seventeen fatalities now," Pam read from her computer. "Another person died from a heart attack and the others were killed when one of the old geezers drove into an ambulance."

"There is an argument to be made about taking away people's licenses to drive when they reach over a hundred," Archer admitted.

"There's also an argument to be made about strangling Cheryl," Mallory groaned.


End file.
